Survival Mode Activated
a story of self-abandonment
I have found myself in survival mode, yet again.
It was warranted with all of my husband’s surgeries (3 in 7 weeks), his hospital stay, and my own recovery from overworking my body.
I am proud of how much my body has been able to do over the past three months, between moving and both of our health crises. I went from being taken care of by a partner who did all of our home care, pet care, cooking, errands, and taking care of me, to being in his role—big shoes to fill for a body that isn’t always able to even assist with these tasks. Thankfully, friends and family stepped in to help in big ways, and I leaned on them often, knowing I needed to surround myself in community.
Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, and this doing-my-best body that was forced into survival mode has forgotten how to shift out of that mode. While I know consciously that I don’t need to be here, my nervous system has, once again, become accustomed to the hypervigilance it’s convinced is necessary.
As my husband, Graham, was able to slowly step back into his caretaking role, it took a big chunk of the workload off of me, yet I still pushed to make it through another day as if nothing had changed. My pain, energy, fatigue, brain fog, and other symptoms varied from day to day, as did my responsibilities. As time went on, I felt more spacious with less on my plate, but my nervous system didn’t seem to recognize the difference. And then I decided to go back to school…
I went to FIU straight out of high school. I’d taken psychology and sociology classes in high school because humans and the way their minds work have always fascinated me. I knew I wanted to continue down this road and took Intro to Psych, Sociology, and Social Psych in the three semesters I attended the university.
I still lived at home, in an extremely volatile environment, and struggled to balance the demands of school with the commute and costs while my home life whittled away at my mental health. By the third semester, I was so deep in depression that I could barely function. I dropped out once the semester was over and thought I’d never go back. I was convinced that formal school settings were just not for me.
The following year, once I was in a better state of mind, I went to a vocational school to earn my Early Childhood Education certification. For the first time in my life, I earned an award for excelling at school. I was so proud of myself for achieving this after all of my previous school struggles.
I credited my excellence to the alternative schooling style that matched my need for hands-on learning. While that was a huge part of it, I knew my depth of interest and determination to succeed absolutely played a role.
Since being an educator and nanny [it pays so much better than most schools, even expensive private schools], I have worn many hats. I’ve acquired so many skills in the various jobs I’ve had, including my own businesses, that have prepared me for my role today. Managing a small yoga studio means wearing all the hats—from managing people to graphics and marketing, from customer support to planning programming, and more! While this role and building an incredible community have been an absolute gift, I have started to feel ready for the next thing…
One of my friends [an LCSW] kept whispering in my ear that I would make a great therapist. I kept laughing it off because I still didn’t see myself going back to school, nor did I think I’d actually be good at it. There was a part of me that still really wanted to take the path toward becoming a therapist, but the idea of eight years in school was a nightmare. Learning that it would only take me five years of school if I went down the social work path made it seem more possible. If only I could get on board with believing in myself, in my ability to get a master’s degree and be a quality therapist…
And one day, I believed it was for me. I realized that I’ve excelled at so many of the jobs I’ve held since dropping out 17 years ago because of my understanding of psychology and caring about what lies underneath the surface. I could finally envision it, and I knew I wanted to resurrect my dream. I checked out the school my friend suggested, MSU Denver, because it has a fully online school for Social Work (pre-social work, BS, and MS). They also have a great reputation for quality courses and professors, as well as being progressive and having a robust student support system.
While I was still considering it and doing the math on the debt I’d incur, I decided to apply just to find out if I would be accepted, and I was! I had several conversations with Graham and friends, and the more I talked about it, the more excited I was. The more friends I told, the commentary I received on how good I would be at it. Even my therapist [an LCSW who went to MSU] said I have so many tools and experience with various things that she believes would make me excel as a therapist!
So, I decided to go for it. I enrolled in Fall classes and started meeting with advisors and the Access Center (for disability accommodations). I became so eager to start that, just two or three weeks before the Summer semester was to begin, I decided to begin sooner—Fall was just too far away!
Insert humble brag here ➡️ I am halfway through the semester and am obsessed with school. I love it! I am crushing it, and I wish we could afford for me to drop work and be a full-time student. Unfortunately, that is not possible, and I am still getting a hold of balancing the two—work deserves more of me. So do my friends…
Once I started school, I ended up isolating myself a lot, even from the friends who had just saved my ass, so I could focus and figure out new routines. I’ve definitely carried a lot of guilt for the ignored messages (like 40+ at times 😬), though I know my people get it. I even have delayed getting back to my doctors, who have responded to me, which is something I never do. So, I’m getting back to others a bit at a time while I try to bring my nervous system back down to earth 🌎
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Back to survival mode…
The more I take on, the more that feels big and important, the more my nervous system believes I must remain in survival mode. In this mode, I inevitably abandon myself and my needs. Fewer showers, less food, less time to pause and rest. Forget about my creative pursuits or meditation, I just gotta get all the “important” stuff done.
And then I remember that everything I just mentioned fills up my cup and keeps me grounded. I need those things to leave survival mode. All of those things are important.
I need to be here writing to you, my dear reader. I need to paint or practice calligraphy and lettering. I demand time to meditate, to rest, to move my body gently. I deserve to eat well. I am worthy of pampering myself with a bath and a full skincare routine. I deserve to be barefoot on the earth, soaking up the sun, and to listen to the birds chirp and the wind rustle the leaves all around me.
So, in my return to myself and all that keeps me whole, I return here.
I won’t apologize for disappearing from this platform while I was doing my best to stay afloat, and I won’t make any promises about frequency. I’d love to say I’ll be here twice a week and I’ll share a monthly newsletter as intended because that’s what my soul would love, but I won’t record those expectations in stone. I will do my best to honor myself instead of self-abandoning. I will be here when it feels right, and I wish the same for you… 💖